Friday, February 22, 2008

...(Some of) What I've Learned So Far

Everybody sort of has bad breath. With some people you just notice it from further away.

It is always a pleasant surprise to discover that someone has left behind a newspaper or magazine in the large bathroom stall at the hanger.

Having a larger than average proboscis results in people telling you that you look a lot like (in this order) Sean Penn/Ralph Fiennes/Julian Lennon.

Men who claim not to be attracted to Pamela Anderson are covering up for the fact they know she wouldn't go out with them even if she wasn't famous.

There is likely a cause and effect relationship between:

A) Not getting enough attention from your parents during childhood and
B) Being really into karaoke as an adult.

It is unmanly to not have an at least conversational knowledge of all major professional sports. But if you can recite the starting line-ups of every team in the NBA, you probably need to get a life.

The first sign you have entered the "no longer relevant" stage of your life is discovering that you are unfamiliar with the majority of bands on the current Billboard Top 100 chart. For example, Hoobastank, apparently, is a musical group, not what I caught from the receptionist at my last job.

It is stupid, when discussing your favorite sports team or political party, to refer to them as "we". As in "We have a much better defense this year" or "We should win this election in a landslide". If you haven't been invited to any of the meetings, it's "them", not "we".

It occurs to me that I have lived during the period of a major cultural shift in our society. Today, I would likely find it icky to discover that a woman had a lot of hair "down there". Yet, when I first started having sex, this was pretty much the norm and I never gave it a second thought.

In general, people look silly when they dance.

No matter how happy you are in your current relationship, and no matter how many years have passed, it is always upsetting to imagine any of your ex-girlfriends giving some other guy a blowjob.

The fear many women have about their man being unfaithful is unfounded. If your man was truly so attractive that he frequently found himself in the position of having to turn down offers of sex from beautiful women, chances are he wouldn't be going out with you in the first place

People who drive "raised" trucks or SUVs are, by and large, dickwads.
Posted by MrV :: 5:30 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Monday, February 11, 2008

Over the years I have become a somewhat accomplished mechanic….I have fixed semi-trucks, cars, Home improvement projects, and I am currently employed as a commercial aviation mechanic. (Not a bad way to make a living if you like working for peanuts, handy wipes, and a cup of coffee). But there is one thing which my hands and my mechanical mind have yet to tame.

My garage door opener.

Yes for the past year or so it has put up a valiant yet stubborn fight, a test of wills so to speak which finally came to full steam on this cold morning.

As I was pulling into the garage after yet a lovely graveyard shift at ye old United Express Carrier the garage door stopped in it's tracks sort of mid way up…… almost as if to sneer and be little me. In its taunting way it refused to open yet once again daring me to do something…….

As I begin to feel my temper swell (my temper is a beast from my past whom I have learned to control somewhat) I slid under the sneering door and hit the manual realize and flung the demon possessed door into the upright open position. Then with hesitation before the door could fight back I flung open my MATCO toolbox and reached for the 5lb "dead blow: hammer and beat the satanic garage door opener into small pieces!!!!!

And in one last defiant moment I through the pieces in the Green Waste can…ha ha ha the one specially marked for yard waste….BUYA BITHCES!!!!

Although I will have to listen to the lovely and gracious Mrs . V piss and moan for a couple of weeks until I can replace the garage door opener this momentous victory in this excoriating battle will remain epic for all man kind.

Me = winner
Garage door open = LOOSER!!!!!!

Posted by MrV :: 7:35 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Sometimes, well most of the time, I think the Universe revolves around me.

ME!

I'm such a "Zelig" wanting to please everyone and hoping everyone loves me.

ME!

Worrying whether I come off okay when I meet new people.

me...If I'm out in public and I hear a group of girls giggling behind me, I'm concerned if they're laughing at me. If someone is watching a movie I love and they say, "I hate this film!" I sometimes take it personally, as if I made the movie. If I see the Cops in my rearview mirror with lights flashing, I breakout in cold sweat thinking it's about me.

Me?

Many years ago there was a young girl I was so in love with. She was so beautiful and wonderful. Everyone thought we were going to be together forever. One night after a Talking Heads concert we made love and the morning came too soon and I had to go to work. I was so happy! I realized I left a tape and started back to her place, I stepped up on her porch and started to ring the bell, but through an open window I heard her crying. Bawling! Loud gasping sobs!

I stopped.

Weird thoughts raced through my head.

I thought she was crying because she felt bad for having made love to me. Maybe it was so horrible to her she couldn't stand what she had done.

I raced back to my car. I was shaking. Went to work. Pushed the feelings I had for her, the pain I was feeling, the idea I wasn't worthy, buried them all deep down inside me.

I didn't call her. I never saw her again. Didn't return her calls. Didn't open her cards or letters.

All that time passed and the pain fades and we move on and I get an email...A nice email from her. She's married to a great guy. She's got kids. She's got a great career. We're happy for each other then I find this happening:

She writes, "The last time I saw you, after we had such a beautiful time, the most horrible horrible thing happened to me, my mother died and then when I needed you most I couldn't find you and I never heard from you again."I thought she was crying about me that morning, but she had checked her messages after I left for work and learned her mother died in a car crash. Because of my insecurities some possibly great journey hit a detour. I crashed the car. I smothered a loving and giving heart. I destroyed something good.

Whoa is "Me".....

Posted by MrV :: 8:16 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Supper Friggen Tuesday

Is it possible that you're being just a wee melodramatic? I think it's been proven at least fifty-whatever times over that the country is not going to burn to the ground regardless who's running it.

Is that overly simplistic?

Yes, because it seems to me that the details amount to little more than false or broken promises made by people who just want to get in our pants. In that respect, the "issues" are widely ineffectual, I'd say.

None of them care one salty lick about your butt. They just want to keep their jobs (or get better ones). Me? I don't particularly care for either side, honestly.

In fact, I feel that the very existence of these "teams" is far more damaging than either of them winning. To hell with church and state…a separation of sports and politics would be time better spent, I think.

Feeding on brand loyalty makes politico bullshitting that much easier, and I don't buy that either side exacerbates the polarization any more than the other.

All commission reports, alleged facts, transparent propaganda and partisan crap aside: Over the last many years, I see a platform built almost entirely of defensive posturing from Democrats. From the Republicans, I see assertion and defined perspective. Whether or not I agree with those views is immaterial (again, absolute alignment is not my bag)...that's simply why I think that they're winning.

No. I'm afraid they all lie.

Dishonesty is not party-specific. What bothers me most is how much breath is wasted by bullshit artists proclaiming that how one votes is not the issue, but that one does. You were lying and you know it because record numbers of people did come out to vote—just as you asked—but you didn't get the result you wanted so now you're spewing hatred, insults and disrespecting the validity of a difference of opinion.

I can understand the disappointment, but these temper tantrums are not helping your cause in the least. It is my opinion that you serve the division even more severely this way.

All that said I voted for the mormon fellow......

Posted by MrV :: 9:10 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------