Pearls of Wisdoms and Mindless Rants


Everything hear is subject to change depending on life, mood, and alcoholic intake.

Monday, October 29, 2007



I should get my videocamera! I've been noticing a lot of little things lately. Like the way I sleep. I sleep on my left side, all curled up. I take a bit of the top edge of the blanket and scrunch it up into a roll and hold it with a clenched fist. I put some of the blanket and sheet between my legs, because for some reason I can't stand my upper inner thighs touching each other. I have to make sure that my bare feet don't stick out from under the blankets.

I'm a 31 year old man who still thinks a vampire is going to bite my toes if they stick out. I've got this routine down after all these years.

After a hot shower, I trim my nails while they are soft from the steam. I do my fingers first and then the toes. I trim them by putting the toilet seat down and putting my hands or feet over the bowl. I do this so that the trimmings are easily flushed away with no messy cleanup. Someone needs to invent a thing not unlike a grass catching attachment on a lawn mower, that catches those nail clippings that shoot off at unpredictable angles at the velocity of a armor piercing bullet. Nothing feels fresher than having trimmed fingernails and toenails. Nothing snags as my socks slide easily over my feet.

Socks are the first thing I put on my nude powdered body. Then my boxers are pulled up slowly and suggestively until the journey ends with a pelvic thrusts that flips my junk up and over the elastic band into the free fall area of boxer bliss (this is done in a very sexual but manly manner). At which point I shout, "Slam Dunk!"

Then I take my Arm and Hammer deodorant that smells baking soda fresh, and spend the next 5 to 10 minutes applying numerous coats to my underarms. A t-shirt is next. I like to grab it by the shoulders and give it an Indiana Jones bullwhip flip and snap to shock and terrify any wrinkles that think that they're there to stay. Sometimes however a slight miscalculation can land the bullwhip snap right on my manberries. That can ruin the day! When and if that happens, I usually just crawl right back into bed and sleep it off for a few hours.

Then I take a my jeans, that have been hanging overnight on the back of a chair to prevent wrinkles, and I hold them up to inspect possible fraying of the threads or maybe stains from sitting in something the day before, but I also sniff the crotch and butt area to see if I can get an extra days wear out of them. Sometimes depending on the weather or what I've eaten, I can go up to 3 or 4 weeks without smelling anything too bad.

I take my boots, give them a good sniff, and shake any possible spiders or scorpions out of them before slipping my feet into them. I may take a few minutes to load my pockets up with quarters for thesoda machine, cinnamon mints for my fresh breath, 3 or 4 various flavors of chapstick, my keys, some wet naps in case I eat some barbecue, a penlight flashlight, a lighter, my wallet, my lucky marble, a phone number of a girl that I met in a record store and I'm afraid of throwing away even though it's 3 years old and the ink has faded and the paper is torn. I rub the soft crinkled and crumpled paper with my hand in my pocket like Lenny rubbing the fur of a dead mouse in, "Of Mice and Men."

I pour over the dozens of designer sunglasses I have collected and choose one, (my prescrition ones) the same one I wear every day, yet I still have to look at all my sunglasses before picking the one I've fallen into a rut with.

I'm about to head out and start a fantastic day... After turning the radio off only on a positive word and touching the door knob 3 times and locking it twice, I am free and clear and ready to accept all success and wealth and fame that flows to me in avalanches of abundance.

Posted by MrV :: 8:10 AM :: |
---------------oOo---------------

Monday, October 15, 2007

...Ideas

Good Idea:

My wife taking my not-so-subtle hint about what I wanted for my birthday and getting me great, plaza-level seats to a San Diego Chargers game

Unforeseen Circumstance:

Being seated next to the drunkest human being I have ever seen on Planet Earth (which I say not for effect or humorous exaggeration, but because I have truly never witnessed anyone in person who was this intoxicated – a level to which can only be achieved by a true alcoholic who has the tolerance to keep drinking well past the point where the average person would have long before passed out).

Bad Idea:

Deciding that out of all the possible scenarios for dealing with this situation (ignoring him, complaining to stadium management, trying to look for different seats, etc.) “trying to keep up with him drink-for-drink so he wouldn’t seen as annoying” was the best one.

Good Idea:

Having arranged for a babysitter beforehand.

Posted by MrV :: 2:53 AM :: |
---------------oOo---------------