Pearls of Wisdoms and Mindless Rants


Everything hear is subject to change depending on life, mood, and alcoholic intake.

Thursday, January 31, 2008



You know me, I don't like to be gross, but...I was reading, "The Making of Star Wars: The Definitive Story Behind the Original Film" by J.W. Rinzler at my favorite IHOP on highway 99 where Jessica the waitress all the freaks, truckers and cowboys love, works. Great book so far! Big, too big almost while trying to eat the Five Star Breakfast around it. Just great great stuff in there.

So I'm driving away and I start getting that rumble in the Bronx in my gut. I have to go to the bathroom in the biggest way. Serious pain!

A bit about me....I can't stand using the Public Anything, let alone a toilet.

This is an emergency! I pull over to a Quick-Stop and find the can. I go in and it's like you might imagine; Filthy!

In the corner the cleaning crew have left some off brand can of Lysol, so I grab it and spray down the toilet seat and reach for a paper towel. NO TOWELS! Good to know. I begin pulling toilet paper off the roll like I'm trying to start a chainsaw and wad it up to wipe off the seat.

Even though it's about 50 Degrees outside, sweat is dripping off my face.

I feel the seat is as close to sanitized as it will ever be and quickly sit and unload. I mean an explosive bomb is dropped. Not messy. Solid. Slightly painful because of it's brick-like shape. Corners. I feel it as it shoots out like a bar of soap. Porcelain cracking force.

Instantly I feel so good!

There is a knocking at the door. Some dude needs in in a bad way, I guess. I reach to wipe and find only about three sheets of paper left after using so much before. Oh My GAWD!!!I am in a panic and the guy outside keeps jiggling the knob. I fear he's going to get the store manager who'll key his way in on me.

Just then I remember in my pocket is a moistened wipe from one of the planes I worked on the night before. I'll use it! I do.

There must be alcohol in the wipe cause my ass lips begin to burn and shrivel up.

I'm up, pants up and ready when I notice it's one of those toilets that use a motion detector to flush. It should flush by now.

Guy at door now pounding!

I'm waving my hand furiously over the motion sensor! Holy Crap, It's not working and there's no handle to push. Dude's gonna walk in and see this mess I've left.

I decide to wash my hands. Maybe it's on some sort of delay. I'm watching and watching. Waiting.

Damn, NO TOWELS!!!

Oh who cares at this point? Let them see this mess I've made. I'm a MAN. That's right, I did that! Everybody POOPS!

Suddenly it flushes!

Yay!!!

Then ever so slowly as I'm unlocking the door with wet hands, I see the water spilling over the side as it overflows.

The guy, "'Bout time, thought you'd died in there... yuk, yuk..."I casually walk through the store, open the door and run to my car!

Posted by MrV :: 12:32 AM :: |
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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

.... A Defense of Celibacy

Things They Don't Teach, But Should, in Sex Ed:

When you have a toddler he will naturally be drawn to your computer keyboard, which can lead to an accidental reactivation of a long-dormant AOL account, leaving you with several hundred dollars in non-recoverable fees.

Posted by MrV :: 12:50 PM :: |
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