Friday, December 30, 2005

The year of the K Fed




Oh my god.....Christmas just keeps on coming and coming....In what perhaps what is the BEST Christmas present of all this year Kevin Federline has launched his official website. I can't wait to get to know the REAL KEVIN.

I am confidant he is not the gold digging-pot head- spermintator the vicious tabloid media has made him out to be. The great school system of Fresno CA most assuredly taught him better than that.

But wait!!!!! To add a bit of excitement and anticipation to the approaching New Year, good ole' K Fed's first Single, "PopoZao," is to be Released Midnight PST January 1st!!
Posted by MrV :: 11:21 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I won't bother with updating for a few more days becasue I am too busy popping pills, getting drunk and stumbling around.

Posted by MrV :: 5:49 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Friday, December 23, 2005

My Merry Fucking Chirstmas Post

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping at the mall. To put in bluntly it sucked ass. People suck and I hate them all, they are rude and inconsiderate and I am sure the baby Jesus would not be happy with them. People have no respect while I on the other hand am polite and curtiouse. I say thank you and please as well as hold door's open. I am a rather nice guy. Here is how my fucking (note the sarcasim) day of shopping went

1.MrsV talks me into taking a family portrait. So we all get dressed up and head to the strip mall. I suddenly realize why I hate the mall and remember it was this time last year when I last went. We are running a bit late so I drop off the lovely MrsV and my spoiled Demon Child of a daughter at the entrance and tell them "to go sign in with the photographer I will meet you after I find a parking place." After wondering around the lot for what seemed like an eternity I finally see a little car backing out of a "compact space" so I wait paitently for her to back out so I can somehow squeeze my gas guzzling SUV in the space. Suddenly out from no where a little old lady in a Toyota comes form the opposite direction and whips in the space just as I was putting it in gear. I had my signal on and it was plainly obvious she knew what I was doing. So I jump out of my SUV and and pull the old lady from her car and shout in her face "YOU FUCKING CUNT THAT WAS MY SPACE" I then ripped off her glasses and threw them to the ground and stepped on them and screamed "THEY DID NOT WORK ANY WAY OR YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN ME YOU DUM BITCH" I then kicked her windsheid in for good mesure.

2. I am buying ONE item at the market. I stand in a line. The woman in front of me has a big basket full of items, whereas I only have ONE item. She looks at me holding the ONE FUCKING ITEM but does not ask if I would like to go ahead of her. It took precisely 4 minutes 23 seconds to serve this woman. It took less than 10 seconds to serve me. Why did she not show me a little bit more courtesy...because she is a BITCH and has horrible parents who did not raise her correctly.

3. I go into a shop, it has a dedicated lottery register. The people who want to buy lottery tickets go to that register. I am standing in a line and infront of me is a man who is holding lottery slips and when he is served he hands over the lottery slips and asks for the lottery tickets. Meanwhile I am standing behind him, waiting.... SO I SHOUT INTO HIS EAR.."GET INTO THE DEDICATED LOTTERY LINE YOU FUCKING ASS MUNCHING DICKHEAD!!!!".

4. I purchase an item in a shop which has a gift wrapping section. So I take my gift and join the line, it isn't a long line, no more than 3 people in front of me. So I wait. The man at the front of the line is now being served, he has a remote control car and asks for the gift wrapping people to make sure it works before they wrap it. They unpack the remote control car and start hunting around for batteries to power the car and then they have to read the instructions so they can be sure it works. When they have completed their tests they then have great difficulty getting the remote control car back into its original packaging. Meanwhile the line is getting longer and longer, and time is ticking by rather slowly. Ten minutes passes and I get fucking pissed off with this fucking guy so I get out of the line and approach him, I pick up the remote control car and throw it violently against a wall. I then say "I GUESS IT'S BROKEN!!! GO AND GET FUCKED AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS ".

5. I go into a clothes shop and pick out a few nice blouses for the wife, I join the line that kind of looks very loose and informal, where exatly does the line start??? Well anyway, about ten seconds goes by and then the register operator shouts at me "HELLO???????" in a very impolite tone. I take my blouses to her and she looks at me as if I am from another planet and then laughs with her colleague. While she serves me she is talking with another customer, but totally ignoring me, even though she is serving me. Then she throws a pen down on the checkout and flicks a receipt at me - she then grunts at me. I sign the receipt and she then starts talking to the other customer again. . I was rather pissed off with this register operator so I bitch slapped her and laughed, then to get my point across I poked her in the eye. She deserved it.

6. As I walk into a shop I have a door close in my face, the person in front of me couldn't be bothered waiting for a brief moment to keep the door open, he just let if fly back in my face. That MOTHER FUCKER really got it, I shouted at the asshole "YOU MOTHER FUCKER" and charged at him knocking him down onto the floor. I then started jumping up and down on his shopping bags and then I kicked him hard in the face. I then shouted "WHEN YOU OPEN A DOOR YOU WILL KEEP IT OPEN FOR THE PERSON BEHIND YOU".

Have a merry Christmas and fuck you all

Posted by MrV :: 8:21 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Politically Correct way to say Merry Christmas

In light of the recent attack on the phrase "Merry Christmas" and realizing all the religious zeloutry and hatred that are behind the two words and in a sincere effort not to offend anybody I have spent some time coming up with a new "politically correct" way to convey Merry Christmas without actually having to use such extremist, incentive retorich.

Presenting The New Politically Correct Way To Say Merry Christmas:

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, and gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures).The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, age, physical ability, religious faith or lack thereof, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

Now admittedly that does not have the some convenience as those "other highly sensitive and enticing two words" but this is obviously a more dignified and non conformational approach that should be able to appease the likes of the ACLU, the religious wakos, and any other group of bitchy or whinny people.

It will take some getting used to but if we all do are part, we can enjoy this holiday time/winter solstice without fear, irrationality or be offended ,

Posted by MrV :: 12:03 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tootie has been executed!!!!

It is alwasy the sweet and innocent ones....

I was groggy ,sleepy, and on my way home from work when I was hit with the shocking news from my radio about the execution of Tootie. The case became the state's highest-profile execution in decades.

Hollywood stars and capital punishment foes argued that Tootie's sentence should be commuted to life in prison because she had made amends by writing children's books about the dangers of gangs and violence.

In the days leading up to the execution, state and federal courts refused to reopen her case. Monday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger himself an actor though never on "The Facts of Life," denied Tootie's request for clemency.

I have heard no word on Charlotte Rae who played Mrs. Garrett, and what if anything she has said about it.

I wasn't much of a fan of the show, but I know she affected many lives with her work... It's just so hard to believe celebrities can be killers.

Posted by MrV :: 3:23 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Time to PANIC!!!!!

It's official, Bird flue takes it's first California victim

Posted by MrV :: 12:59 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I almost killed myself today

Christmas is almost here and shopping needs to be done.

The New Year is on the way and new resolutions need to be figured out. Then quickly ignored... Time is flying by!

I almost killed myself today. I was making a peanut butter sandwich and I like my butter soft, so since I keep the Jiffy Creamy in the fridge, it's hard. I popped it in the microwave to give it a li' heat.

I guess there was a little bit of the foil seal still stuck in the glue around the rim of the plastic jar. The microwave oven begins shooting lightning and plasma around inside. It was horrifying! Yet fucking cool!

I was afraid to step near the oven to turn it off. It was so loud!

Finally, I sucked it up and jumped over and turned it off and the jar was so fried that the plastic had melted.

Didn't even need the knife, I just poured the peanut butter onto the bread... Nice! Who knows what kind of radiation I have pumping through me...

Posted by MrV :: 9:24 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Brain Stew

Ever walk into a room to get something, and you forgot what you were in the room for? Here's some things I've done in recent months that as they mount, I'm getting worried:

As I started to brush my teeth I squirted hand soap on my toothbrush instead of tooth paste.

Tried to start my car with my house keys.

Applied underarm deodorant while my shirt was on.

While reaching climax with my wife accidentally screamed out my mother's name.

And just this afternoon I made a sandwich and as I was pressing the slices together prepared to wash the deli meat off my hands. After washing I attempted to dry my hands with the sandwich I just made!

You should ready yourself to read this blog to me as we are becoming "The Notebook."

Something gone wrong with my brain!

Posted by MrV :: 7:18 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Friday, December 02, 2005

Some Rock in Roll Legends and has bens I wish would just go away

Bob Dylan: Only in the sixties could you get away with not knowing how to sing…and so boringly.

Led Zeppelin: Well, some of it's actually okay but mostly I’m waiting for Robert's balls to drop. Also, they've been on the radio every seven minutes for the past thirty years, not to mention every fucking commercial ever and this kind of force-feeding tempts me to set things on fire.

U2: Get the hell over yourself, you prancing jackass. I'll give you The Joshua Tree and that's it.

Pink Floyd: I've done all kinds of drugs and many, many times. They're still boring.

Janis Joplin: see Bob Dylan (but change "boringly", to "screechingly atrocious").

Rolling Stones: Unfortunately, I've yet to come up with a satisfactory way to describe how much I truly fucking hate these guys. There is not one thing about Keith, Mick or their music that doesn't annoy the piss out of me. Please just knock your shit off already.

REM: Homosexuals are embarrassed at how gay they are. At least someone has since confiscated that goddamned mandolin.

Queen: Really, I only take issue with that "We Will Rock You" bullshit for obvious reasons. Otherwise, some of it’s pretty good, though a bit pompous for me.

Bruce Springsteen: Whatever...

Jimi Hendrix: Again, I don't mind Jimi so much, but I include him for being the most overrated guitar player ever.

Santana: Similarly, this man is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for playing nothing but the same guitar solo for thirty years straight without anybody noticing.

Van Halen (with Hagar or Roth): Eddie Van halen is living proof that you can sell your sole to the devil for some talent. I honestly like Sammy Hagar better when he was solo and as for David Lee Roth....I really don't think I need to explain that one.

Posted by MrV :: 9:58 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------