Monday, October 31, 2005

The New Kids on the Block come to town!!!

Well at least on of the former New Kids on the Block was in Visalia last week...

First of all I hate malls...WITH A PASSION! I probably have gone to the mall twice in the last three years and one of those times was last Friday.... And wouldn't you know there was a concert going on....Not just any concert mind you this was Jordan Knight formly of the 80's teen boy band New Kids on the Block...(holy shit what a long fall from the top it must have been!!!) When he came out onto the stage I realize just how sad this was, yet it was like a train wreck and I just had to watch part of it.

Years ago he was in one of the most popular groups of all time, and now the lighting from Gottchalks was brighter than his star. I imagined his camper parked in the back lot of the mall, corn nuts and condoms littering the floor.

His dancing prowess had deformed into a half-hearted electric slide while he sang.

After each song, there was a brief question and answer session. Girls said things into a mic such as "are you and your brother still single?" "Jordan, you are SO fine!" & "Can I have your physical address, not your mailing address?"

I'm guessing that Jordan has either done a ton of blow or has a five year olds attention span because every time someone asked him a question, the mc would have to yell his name three or four times before he would stop looking at the palm trees and Starbucks sign. He was spaced out. The only time he got enthused by a question was when he answered back, "No girl, YOU fine!!!!!" ... Hey perhaps R. Kelly can give him a few pointers on avoiding child rape charges.

It was just so dame funny yet so fucking sad....
Posted by MrV :: 6:46 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I'll tell you what you can do with that finger

Days like yesterday make me realize just how dumb and stupid people are ....

So I am out running errands, just minding my own business, cruising along down the road. I was in the outside lane, and some lady, in 4x4 truck that was way too big for her to drive, was in the middle lane. Without paying attention, she decided she wanted to be in my lane of traffic.

There was a small problem. I was already there, right along side of her. But that didn't stop her from trying, as she moved into my lane, forcing me to slam on the brakes, and throw the parachute out the back of my jeep to get myself stopped. Naturally I hit my horn. Out of her window, comes the MIDDLE FINGER (a real classy lady).

Ummmm, excuse me ass wipe, but you were the one that made the illegal, unsafe lane change, I should have flipped you off.

Anyway I make it to one of my destinations, the grocery store. Yes, even us sloppy men make it to the store every now and then. I find a parking spot and get out of my jeep to walk into the store. This knucklehead teenager, comes into the parking lot at Mach 10, and turns the corner right where I was walking. I stop like a deer in the headlights, as I knew I was going to be road kill. So what happens? The little piece of shit FLIPS ME OFF.

Ummmm, excuse me ass wipe, but you were the one that was driving like you were racing at the INDY 500, and almost hit a pedestrian (me). I should have flipped you off.

Ok, later that day, I was on my way to meet my wife for dinner. Again, I was just driving minding my own business. I get to the restaurant where I am meeting the lovely and gracious MrsV, and get ready to pull into the driveway of the parking lot. But first I have to wait to enter the parking lot because some fucktard that is leaving the parking lot is taking up the whole damn entrance to the lot.

He gives the old exaggerated look like he can't see out into the street to see if cars are coming. Sorry I can't move my jeep, as there are now a dozen cars behind me wanting to enter the same parking lot. I can't enter the parking lot, because Jr. Doesn't know that he isn't supposed to take up the whole damn entrance/exit.

As he peels out of the lot, out the driver's side window comes the FINGER.

Ummmm, excuse me ass wipe, but you are the moron that caused your situation. I should have flipped you off.

So to everybody that flipped me off yesterday, (despite that fact tat you dumb fucks where the cause of all the situations) I have one thing to say. RIGHT BACK AT YOU, shit for brains!!!

Posted by MrV :: 4:58 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Monday, October 24, 2005

Allah has gone cheap....

It apperas Allah has for sure, in fact, had to lay off all the virgins that were awaiting all terrorists and martyrs who kill themselves while fighting in the Great War against Satan and the inferior Infidel from America.

No longer will there be 72 virgins for each martyr. In fact all martyrs will now have to share their reward. Allah has prepared this video of the new offering and gift that will be presented to all martyrs, upon their arrival to meet Allah. Video Link here.

Do you remember that dim witted reporter, Michele Kosinski, of NBC's Today show, who tried to pull a fast one over her viewing audience, as she tried to convince us that she was paddling her canoe in treacherous, raging waters, in New Jersey, only to have two pedestrians, walk right in front her that showed her to be in only ankle deep water? Video Link Here.

Well I must admit, I was wrong… Yes, I guess she really was paddling in rough, raging waters. A new video has been released that captured the whole event, and shows the terrible demise of Ms. Kosinski. Wow, she really did take one for the team. Video Link Here.

Posted by MrV :: 3:33 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Debbie Gibson was such a hottie

So... As I was rummaging through a collection of old cassettes that has been relegated to a box in my garage, I came across a copy of Debbie Gibson's 'Out of the Blue'. (actually I was looking for a copy of an old angry samoans album)...Yea right

This was released 19 FUCKING YEARS AGO! Now I'll admit it, I loved this woman from 1987-89. I bought the tapes (remember those), I went to concerts, I gave girlfriends little bottles of 'Electric Youth' perfume (which they summarily threw away when they thought I wasn't looking, but I knew! I saw!). Then when I saw the Playboy issue she was in a few months back, I realized why I had such a crush on her. How do I put this? She's not the coldest beer in the fridge.

Unlike your Hillary Duffs, your Britney Spears (minus the past year), your Lindsay Lohans - who are way, WAY too pretty for their own good. Ms. Gibson in the late 80s, with the tall gawkiness, the bad fashion sense, basically the antithesis of Lita Ford, evoked this 'girl next door' approachability - and I also kinda respected her for writing her own stuff.

She hasn't aged too badly, but not great either. The 80s were a simpler time I realize - but should I abandon the nostalgia factor and deep-six her stuff along with my Tesla and Mike + Mechanics tapes? Or hang on to them and hope for an 80s retro wave in 2010?

Posted by MrV :: 7:31 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Did he really just say that...

When Kanye West claimed the president Bush "did not care about black people" or the Bush has ordered them to shoot us" I just saw an ignorant punk making foolish statements. Video Link Here

When Ray Nagin, the Mayor of New Orleans failed miserably and displayed an absolute lack of leadership during a time of crises I saw a person who was in way over his head. People are either leaders or followers and it was obvious Ray Nagin was no leader. Instead of offering leadership, guidance and comfort to the tired weary wear souls of New Orleans, Nagin, instead blames President Bush for the Hurricane and the slow response to New Orleans.

And then there was Jesse Jackson who claims that racism is partly to blame for the deadly aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, calling President Bush's response to the disaster "incompetent." And lets not forget Randall Robinson another self proclaimed voice of the black community who claimed that black Americans where eating the corpse of other black Americans in order to survive the after math of the hurricane.

Interesting as all that is just when I thought I had heard all the conspiracy theories out there, about Hurricane Katrina, this one takes the grand prize of idiocy. Watch the video and you tell me, if Hashim Nzinga, has any clue as to what reality, really is. Video Link Here.

Then again the other night Hannity and Combs show on Fox News Hashim Nzinga was a guest on the show and once again proved just how out of touch and and stupid he is.

For those of you who don't know who Hashim Nzinga is, he is a member and spokesman of the New Black Panther Party and advocate of Louis Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam crowd that goes around and preaches that America is still stuck in slavery and that the Black community will forever be a second class citizen.

Just watch this news clip and you will be astounded at just how out of touch with reality some people are here in America. Video Link Here.



What left me floored while I watched Nzinga, preach his hate, and venom, during the show on Monday, is that I cannot believe that people fall for Nzinga's and Louis Farrakhan's lunacy. How is it that people can be so gullible and so stupid to believe one word that people like Nzinga preach?

Blacks have continued to put their trust in these "self proclaimed voices" and for what? I for one am sick and tired of the god dame race card being played out at every opportunity.

Hey blacks... NEWS FLASH.... You where never a slave and I was never a slave owner so get over it!!!!

Perhaps if black Americans where to open their god dam eyes and look around they would see that these self righteous pompous assholes are doing NOTHING for them. People like Jackson, Farrakan, and Robinson need racism and make their living off of it.

It is this unhinged rhetoric that resonates from the black leadership of America that does nothing but debilitate and hinder the overall success of the black community

Posted by MrV :: 11:45 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Monday, October 17, 2005

Jesus is coming...."it will be rude if he does not call first"

I am thinking about starting my own religion.... I feel the need to jump on the bandwagon of this "end time Armageddon" bullshit.

As a recovering religious flamboyant I find it absolutely hysterical that every generation thinks "they are the one" For as long as I can remember I have heard the same old "Jesus is coming soon" now I just find it stunning that the "Whole end time" and "2nd coming" is actually being talked about in the mainstream. Just the other day I heard it discussed on several prominent political talk shows.

So the bible thumpers are convinced that killer tsunami , hurricanes, mud slides, earthquakes, "wars and rumors of wars" , the fact that according to Jim is still on the air, and of course the bird flue are all evidence of the end of the world.

Perhaps all this stuff has been going on all the time (and it has) and the advent of 24 hour news station and dip shit foreign correspondence or perhaps the media revolution just continue to shovel this crap down our throats.

Beside all you holy rollers that are convinced that god may come ....Oh shall we see next week or any time soon....Doesn't the bible say that god will come like a thief in the night and no man may know or will know the time. So perhaps all you bible scholars should shut the fuck up ... A watched pot never boils

So back to my question.....I am thinking about starting my own religion or even a cult. Any ideas? Is there a how to book? A manual maybe? ..... "Starting a religion for dummies."

I might be open to joining an existing cult or religion but it has to be a cool one. I don't like itchy church cloths and I don't do well with the 10 commandments. So anybody got some suggestion?

Posted by MrV :: 4:56 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Don't judge me....

- I find it rather humbling (and funny) that everyone I meet throughout the day has sat down at least once to pinch a loaf
- I am a grown man who doesn't trust Twinkies.
- Farts and farts sounds make me laugh
- I will eat from a vending machine before eating from a street vendor
- I find it hard to respect someone the same after seeing them naked
- It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I just have really long legs.
- I don't call my family as often as I should
- I have wipedd my hands on off my dog to aviod looking for a towel
- I will drink your last beer given the chance
- I believe that spite makes for a great short-term motivator.
- I look down on you if your taste in music sucks.
- There is such a thing as "cultural enlightenment." Most Americans have no idea it exists. The following countries do not have permission to either point or laugh:
1. Germany – Hasselhoff;
2. France – Jerry Lewis;
3. The UK – Spice Girls and Coldplay (the opposite sexes of the same bad design, basically).
- Vegas wasn't built by people winning nor were most corporations.
- Since I'm bigger than you, I am higher on the food chain.
- Puns are never acceptable.
- I question all authority (you should to)
- Yes I do pick my nose and I know you do as well
- I am as brilliant as I think I am

Posted by MrV :: 8:11 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Customer service....Not at Lowes

Last night the lovely and gracious MrsV and myself went to Lowes. A rather innocent outing as we where in search for a particular item. After a quick detour through the power tool section so I could pick up some cutting wheels for my di-grinder. We made it to the back of the store to the 'Door' section.

Being rather proficient and knowing exactly what I want I proceed to look for a sliding screen door with a kick plate and mid high grade (in other words a artsy fartsy fancy screen door)

After a brief search I realized they did not have what I wanted so I proceeded to wonder the 'Door' section seeking someone who could perhaps special order my door. Eventually I stumbled into some fucktwat and asked him if he could special order my door. He quickly looked at me with some perplexed look and said "I only work in plumbing you need to go to 'lumber'" ok then off to lumber I went and asked the half wit middle age bitter old lady behind the lumber counter to special order my door. She had no idea what I was asking for and sent me to 'customer service'. So once again at 'customer service' I went through my dilemma on ordering my door. Her response was "sir you need to go doors".

Ok biting my tongue (only because my wife was with me) I tried to be nice and proceed to tell her my dilemma and how everybody kept pawning me off onto another department and obviously the 'door specialist' was not to be found. Her response was "I can't help sir"...."fine " I responded "let me talk to a manager".....once again I went through my dilemma with some pimple faced, mid twenties, star trek loving, never been on a date, still living at home with mom fucktard thinking I might just get to order my door.

Well in his nasal congested voice he said "sorry sir you need to go to 'doors'". FUCK IT.... I decided to pay for my cutting wheels and blow the door off for the night thinking my frustration is soon to be over. Home Depot hear I come

I get in line and the dip shit wrings up my purchase ...A whopping 6.60. No big deal I though as I reached into my pocket and grabbed a ten dollar bill. Upon seeing the ten dollar bill the dumb ass at the register keyed in ten dollars and had my change ready. But I remember I needed a five to give to litttleV for school the next day so I dug into my pocket and grabbed another dollar and three quarters and gave the fuckwit behind the register a total of 11.75 expecting her to give me 5.15 back. Easy math.....Right.

Apparently not for the retards the Lowes hires. This gal looked at the 11.75 in her hand and said to me "what do I do with this" apparently her line was now moving a bit slow so the same geeky manger came up to see what the problem was. At least being a nerd has some benefit and he was able to make the change I need.

But the jewel of the night came as I walked away from the register and I over heard the gal at the register say to the manager "I did not know I had to do math hear"

Is it any wonder why America is at the cross road we are at...?

Posted by MrV :: 10:12 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Meaningless Rambles

I was participating in Ramadan, the Islamic holy month of fasting and spiritual introspection by gorging myself on pork ribs the other night at Big Bubba's Bad BBQ. I felt so full. I still had a box of left overs when I left. I came home a dropped a couple of Ex-Lax pills with a Miller chaser and read some of "Cary Grant: A Biography."

I was thinking earlier at dinner how there seems to be people currently who are famous that fall into a mold of Stars of the past. As if there are only a few slots available. You know how when you move to a new city there are people that look and remind you of people in the last place?George Cloony remind some of Cary Grant, but there's a part of this book where Grant is roommates with Randolf Scott and it's like they are describing Matt Damon and Ben Affleck(minus their gay love affair). I guess it could be Cloony and Pitt now. If you were like some famous person in the past, who would you be?I know who I'd like to be like, but I imagine who ever I am like, they were not famous. Unless they were famous for being unknown.

Posted by MrV :: 3:45 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Dear Al Qaeda...

I have a question for you. You claim that western civilization is the Great Satan and that we here in America are the great Infidel. On your new Internet broadcast last week, you said that Hurricane Katrina that struck the gulf coast of the United States was "Divine Punishment"

Hell even one of your pathetic sympathizers, a senior official from the country of Kuwait, whom (as usual) we saved their ass from the death grip of Saddam Hussein in the Gulf war, said, "The Terrorist Katrina is One of the Soldiers of Allah"

So now Al Qaeda, what do you have to say now that a horrible, earthquake has struck several countries that are predominantly all Muslim?

Oh, wait, my phone is ringing. Hey, great it is dick sucking, ass licking Allah himself!

I am afraid I have some bad news, for you Al Qaeda. Allah says you guys are a bunch of dumb fucks, which couldn't so much as read the Quran, let alone interpret it. Allah also says that the Hurricanes that struck America have nothing to do with him, just like the terrible earthquake that hit Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, and parts of Turkey.

Allah did however say that there is such a thing as bad karma, and you jinxed your little organization and all the countries whom you claim are yours, by shitting your idiotic crap over your internet airwaves about Hurricane Katrina being divine punishment to America. Allah says you are on your own now, and that offer of 72 virgins that await you when you kill yourself is no longer on the table. You now get 72 gay Virginian's , who have every known venereal disease known to man kind.

Karma, don't Fuck with it douche bag, or it will bite you in the ass...Or at least rock your country with an earthquake!

Posted by MrV :: 3:08 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Pork barrel Bull shit at it's finest

This is a real plane....looks pretty cool doesn't it?


Alaska Airlines unveiled a new paint job on a Boeing 737, making the plane look like a giant salmon; dubing it the "Salmon-Thirty-Salmon," . This paint job took nearly a month to complete, and cost roughly $500,000. Not to shabby considering Alaska Airlines is one of the few carriers that continues to show profittt.

But then again it's no big deal to their bottem line, don't think for a second that they actually paid for this.

This paint job was paid for by the American taxpayer.

This is pork barrel spending at it's finest! The official excuse is to promote the Alaskan fishing industry.

Posted by MrV :: 8:29 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

That Guy....

How many of you know this type of guy


The type of guy who is still stuck about 15-20 years in the past. Whom no matter what the current fashion trend is, he still think he is on top of things. Not to mention he thinks he is gods gift to the female race.

A good rule of thumb: if you cant see your G-String, you should not be wearing one. This man is on a mission to lure someone's daughter back to the Ramada and romance her with free minibar and the new Michael Bolton CD. Can you imagine what he looks like from behind? A flat hairy old white guy ass bifurcated by a piece of rope that is hanging on for dear life.

Or what about his guy.....

What more can I possibly say......

And we all know a few poeople that spend WAAAY to much time on the computer...


The type of guy that thinks that no-one noticed the tub of Vaseline next to his computer for those late night jerk sessions. He thinks that he doesnt need those 2 bottles of Ritalin on the desk (he does). That poor dog in the foreground has probably been subjected to unspeakable horrors involving bacon and the contents of the purple briefs. That is a nice image, huh?

Lets not forget Mr. Nature guy.....

Why do I think this guy has a Kenny G CD in his car and has virtually no sense of humor... he talks for hours about mountain biking and hiking and the carbohydrate/protein ratios in the leading power bars on the market. I would put money on it that this guy lives in San Francisco or the Pacific Northwest and is loyal to some lame microbrew in his region just for the sake of conversation.

Or What about Mr Ikky.....

Normaly seen at NAMBLA meetings

And Of course there is this guy....

also seen at NAMBLA meetings

If you ever see a guy that looks like this, don't say anything. Just beat his ass. Trust me. He is guilty of something

Posted by MrV :: 8:59 AM :: | ---------------oOo---------------

Monday, October 03, 2005

Where the fuck is PETA on this one?

"STRAY dogs are being skewered on hooks and dragged behind boats as live shark bait, The Sun can shockingly reveal. The cruel practice takes place on French-controlled Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean, where Prince William spent two holidays.

A six-month-old Labrador pup was recently found ALIVE with a huge double hook through its snout - like the dog above - and another through a leg.

The pup was found in a coastal creek and is thought to have somehow freed itself from a fishing line.

But other dogs and kittens have been chomped up and swallowed by sharks.
The RSPCA plans to petition the French government, demanding an end to the hideous torture." LINK

So tell me again how much more sophisticated and enlightened the Europeans are.....

Posted by MrV :: 2:32 PM :: | ---------------oOo---------------